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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852870">Before I Was Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailorstar165/pseuds/sailorstar165'>sailorstar165</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>D.Gray-man</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Child Lavi, Former Bookman Apprentice, Friendship, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Original Character Death(s), Stream of Consciousness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 18:16:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,534</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailorstar165/pseuds/sailorstar165</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavi writes about the time before he was Bookman's apprentice and remembers his predecessor.</p><p>Repost from my fanfiction.net</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Before I Was Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was originally published early 2009 on my fanfiction.net account. I still like how it turned out, so I figured I'd repost it. Minimal edits for spelling and grammar, but for the most part, I'm leaving it alone. Including highly inaccurate age of Lavi meeting Bookman. :-)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wow. I haven't gotten a weird assignment like this from Bookman in years. I don't know what to write. Huh... Guess I'll just have to wing it, neh?</p><p>My assignment is writing exactly what I remember as I remember it from before I became Bookman's apprentice. Weird, right? Basically, he told me to do a free-write of what I was thinking and to not stop until I got everything I'm thinking down. He used to teach me to memorize things this way. He'd make me write stuff and then I'd have to repeat what I wrote word for word. He got mad at me when I figured out writing next to nothing made it easier to remember.</p><p>But I digress. Anyway, I got stuck writing one of these stupid free-write things because of something Allen asked me earlier today. He asked me how I bumped into Bookman and became his apprentice. Well, I could tell him how it happened, and I did, but then he wanted to know if Bookman had any other apprentices before me. That one I couldn't tell him, it being secret Bookman info and all.</p><p>Well, Bookman caught me telling Allen a bit about my past. You know, I think this whole assignment is just to punish me for blabbing something to Allen. I don't see what's so bad about saying how Bookman and I met, but whatever.</p><p>Anyway... back to what I'm <em>supposed</em> to be doing. Where was I...? Oh, right, haven't started yet. Shoot, this is a really annoying assignment. I'm already through one page. Bookman's not gonna like me wasting paper like this. Shoot, I'm still doing it. ...Well, I can't throw this out; Bookman knows exactly how many papers he gave me, the old panda... Better get started before he kills me for wasting paper.</p><p>Before I met Bookman I was just like everyone else. Well, maybe not like everyone else. I got shunned a lot because of my family situation. See, I only had a mom. I don't remember her too well, but I know she had blonde hair that darkened as she got older and blue eyes that did the same. She always told me that I looked more like my father than I did her, but that was all she ever told me about my old man.</p><p>My father was never around. Mom never told me too much, like I said, except that I looked like him. I always thought he was an explorer or a wizard or... well, it changed every day. No matter what he was, though, I always figured he'd gone on some great quest to do something amazing, like discovering a lost kingdom, and then got stuck on an island somewhere. I always imagined he was waiting for me to find him and rescue him from the cannibals there (of course, I had no idea what cannibals were then), and I'd always have imaginary adventures where I went and rescued him. Looking back now, I bet he was just some bum. If I guess my mom's age right, she would've been Lenalee's age when she had me. He was probably just a deadbeat who ditched my mom when he found out she was pregnant.</p><p>Anyway, being a bastard didn't help me much. All the grandparents in town would always say I was my mom's sins incarnate and stuff like that. All the other kids picked up on that pretty quick, even if they didn't understand their grandmothers' whispers. I got hell for it in school and none of the other kids would play with me, which suited their parents just fine. None of them wanted their kids to be playing with a bad-influence bastard, after all.</p><p>So, I was always alone. No one ever talked to me if they could help it, and if they did willingly, it was to call me names. It was a case of boys being boys, but it still hurt to hear what they said. I may not have understood half their insults—and I'm sure they didn't either—but it was painful.</p><p>It wasn't until I met Bookman that it all changed. Well, it wasn't really Bookman who changed everything. It was actually his apprentice at the time, Antoinette (or later Nellie) that changed everything for me, but I'm getting ahead of myself here.</p><p>Bookman showed up the day of my twelfth birthday. I was walking home from school, alone as always. I stopped and stared at Bookman a while. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone else, so the old man and his granddaughter confused me. I didn't have long to puzzle over them, though. One of the boys in my class decided to use my head as target practice and chucked a rock at me. I didn't give Bookman and his apprentice another thought. I just chased after the boy who'd thrown stones at me, yelling all kinds of profanity I'd heard but didn't know the meaning to. Heh, I'm sure Bookman was surprised by my colorful language.</p><p>When I got home that day, my mom already had my little party ready for me. Since I had no friends or family besides mom, we always had a birthday dinner and a small cake for desert. Right when I was about to blow out the candles, though... I don't know what happened. I remember a lot of screaming and I think an explosion, but I never found out what happened. The house collapsed and I was knocked out.</p><p>I woke up a couple hours later, I think. When I did, everything was a little fuzzy. I couldn't remember my name—still can't, for that matter—or anything. Everything I told you is stuff I've remembered since the incident, but at the time, all I could remember was that I was twelve and my birthday. It's strange the weird things you can remember...</p><p>Anyway, I was buried. I think I was trapped under some rubble from our house, but I can't be too sure. I could hear muffled voices, but nothing I recognized. I tried to call out, but the air was full of dust and stuff, so I couldn't get a deep enough breath to yell.</p><p>Then the weight on me lifted a bit. Antoinette, the girl who'd moved the rubble stood looking down at me, a little confused, but then a grin spread across her tanned face. "Hey Gramps! I found a survivor!" She hopped down from the rubble and ran over to Bookman.</p><p>I didn't hear what she'd said to him, but I know I saw him shake his head. They seemed to be arguing about something, but the old man seemed really persistent about whatever it was. In the end, they left me all alone.</p><p>I didn't want to be alone in the rubble that was once my hometown, so I followed them. It wasn't like I had anywhere else to go, and it was kinda cold that night. I stayed about thirty feet behind them, more because my one leg was killing me than to stay unnoticed. Besides, the old man had already seen me when he glanced over his shoulder. If my following bothered him, he didn't show it.</p><p>We reached this little hut a mile or two from my town. I had no idea how they could walk so far without being tired, but I knew I was about ready to pass out. My entire body was aching, and I could feel something sticky on my face under my one eye, which hurt like hell. I guess I was in too much shock at the time to realize I couldn't see out of that eye, either.</p><p>"Gramps," Antoinette said, nudging the old man with her elbow, "maybe we should take care of the little puppy that's followed us home?"</p><p>"Hmph, I didn't think he'd make it this far," Bookman commented. "Leave him. We're not to affect history."</p><p>"Coldhearted panda!" the girl said, bopping him on the head. "He limped that whole way behind us. I can't believe he hasn't passed out from blood loss yet!"</p><p>Bookman just gave me another appraising look, then shook his head. "He's just a survivor from the incident. Let him find someone else."</p><p>The girl glared, but ignored her master to help me. She offered me a hand, but I was too scared and dizzy to take it. I remember her smile, and then... nothing.</p><p>I passed out, and I think that's what made Panda feel sorry for me. When I woke up, it was morning and I was all cleaned up. Even though I didn't open my eyes, I knew I was bandaged up pretty well. I had some wrapped around my head and covering my one eye. I also had a splint on my leg.</p><p>"Morning, sleepyhead. You hungry?"</p><p>I sat up with a start. I didn't know where I was, nor could I remember the incident from the day before. Once I saw the girl's smiling face, it all came back to me. The entire town was demolished and I was all alone. I started crying, and the girl hugged me.</p><p>"It's all right," she kept whispering. She rubbed my back gently, the only part of me that wasn't badly injured. "You're safe with us."</p><p>"W-what about mom?" I sobbed. I'd finally remembered her.</p><p>"You were the only survivor," the girl said. "I went and checked."</p><p>I cried for a while in her arms. I cried and cried until my head hurt and I couldn't get any more tears to come. The whole time the girl just sat there with me, letting me cry. When I finally stopped, she gave me an extra squeeze before releasing me.</p><p>"What's this?"</p><p>We both turned to Bookman. He looked really unhappy for some reason. I wasn't sure at that moment who he was mad at. Boys, after all, weren't supposed to cry, but he'd also told the girl she wasn't allowed to take me with her because they weren't supposed to affect history.</p><p>"He was crying," the girl said with a shrug.</p><p>"Antoinette, we're—"</p><p>"—Recorders of history. We aren't meant to affect the subjects we choose to watch. We are simply observers of what goes on around us. If we get involved, we may bias our reports of history," Bookman's apprentice finished. It was the same tired speech Bookman always gives me now. You'd think Bookman would change it a bit to throw me off every now and again.</p><p>Bookman frowned, but didn't give Antoinette lip for her sarcasm like he always gives me. It's probably because she was a better apprentice than I am, but I'm getting off-topic again.</p><p>Anyway, Bookman had some food for both of us to eat. While we ate, he sat down in the chair next to the bed, and started talking to Antoinette. I didn't understand a word he was saying since it was in Latin, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought he'd just lost it, or at least that's what I thought until Antoinette started talking back.</p><p>Well, when they finished whatever they were saying (I'd translate it now, but I wasn't trained as a Bookman back then to remember everything said, even in other languages), Bookman told me we were leaving. Antoinette had somehow convinced him to take me along, probably as an apprentice for her to train once she was an official Bookman. He asked me what my name was, and I told him that I couldn't remember.</p><p>"Well, then it's Conner for now," he said. He stood up then and then said to Antoinette, "and your new log-name is Nellie. Remember that."</p><p>"Got it, Gramps."</p><p>"Why'd he change your name?" I asked when Bookman left. I was terrified of him at the time. Well, I'm still scared of him and his panda-claw-of-death, but not as much as I was back then.</p><p>"You're a curious one, aren't you?" She busied herself with getting some fresh clothes together for me—I was the same size as Bookman at the time, so I ended up wearing his hand-me-downs for a while. "We're Bookman and don't want to be traced through history, so we change our names every time we start up on a new log, which is usually when we leave one place for another, like we are now."</p><p>I didn't understand what she meant then. I do now, of course, but back then I thought it was a stupid idea. Still, I went along with it. It wasn't like I had anywhere else to go. They might have been crazy, but at least they were nice enough to feed me and let me go with them. It was better than anyone in my town would've done if my mom had died.</p><p>We went to the next place by train. I'd never been on a train before, so I thought it was the most exciting thing in the world. Obviously, I don't think that now with the mass numbers of trains I've been on with the Order. Anyway, Nellie—as I'll refer to Antoinette from now on—thought it was hysterical, if only because it bothered Bookman to no end that I wouldn't sit still. I had to explore every inch of the train three times just to make sure it hadn't changed since I'd last seen it. I was exactly like Kuro-chan when Allen and me picked him up.</p><p>Bookman's next log was some big city. I don't remember what was so important about that place. It was my first time away from my backwater town, and I was ready to run around the city like I had the train.</p><p>Thankfully, this was Bookman-only business, which left Nellie, an apprentice, free the whole time we stayed there. I say "thankfully" because it meant I wasn't alone in exploring. Truth be told, most of the exploring we did was at the library. Nellie had taken it upon herself to be my teacher since I couldn't go to school while I was with them. Not that I minded, of course. Even before I became Bookman's apprentice I was a history buff.</p><p>Nellie would take me to the library every day to teach me. I mostly learned history, but she did teach me math and spelling and other boring stuff I needed to know. Every so often, when I was really bored, Nellie would start teaching me the tricks of the Bookman trade, like memorizing everything I saw. That lesson took a while, since I still wasn't used to missing an eye. I got good at memorizing things, but I'd be so busy committing things to memory that I wouldn't realize my depth perception was bad and I'd walk into a table. When that would happen, we'd just laugh and Nellie would get me to focus on my lessons again.</p><p>It was returning from one such trip to the library that things went sour. The days were getting shorter, so we'd end up walking back to where we were staying in the dark. Bookman always yelled at us for coming home after dark, but we couldn't help it. It was just so easy to lose track of time in the library.</p><p>That night was just like any other. We were taking all kinds of shortcuts home so Bookman wouldn't chew us out too much. One of our shortcuts was down an alleyway where not even cats went through. Nothing ever happened in that alleyway, but as I've learned, nothing doesn't last forever.</p><p>There was a whole gang hanging out in the alley that night. They were waiting for us, or at least for Nellie. She was very pretty, and these lowlifes liked to kidnap pretty girls for their own games.</p><p>At first, they pretended to be nice to us. They offered to take Nellie and me someplace nice for some fun. I was ready to go with them—I was twelve and not really smart—but Nellie saw through their act. She said... well, I don't think Bookman would want me writing what she said to them. I don't think he'd want to read that. Anyway, she told them to buzz off, but they didn't want to take "no" for an answer. One pulled a knife on her. This time, they didn't ask nicely.</p><p>Nellie drop-kicked the guy right there and grabbed the knife. Bookman taught her all kinds of martial arts he refuses to teach me until I grow up. I wasn't impressed, though. I was scared out of my mind. Nellie had seemed so nice before, but now... It was like she'd traded her sweet smile for another mask, this one threatening and savage.</p><p>The guys knew they wouldn't stand a chance against her and fled. She dropped the knife and turned to me, the savage mask gone and once again replaced by her gentle smile. "Well? Shall we head home?"</p><p>I was too scared. My fight-or-flight instinct kicked in, and I chose the second option. I ran for my life. I ran until my legs felt like jelly and my breath wouldn't come fast enough. I don't know why I ran; I just did.</p><p>It was just my luck that I ran into those creeps that Nellie had scared off and that they recognized me.</p><p>They had a lot of fun taking out their frustrations on me. They hit me pretty hard, but I was used to that. I got in fights a lot before my town was destroyed. It wasn't until they decided to end things that I got worried. I could see the knife—they had one besides the one Nellie took—and I closed my eye. I didn't want to see the end coming.</p><p>I heard a scuffle, felt warm blood splash on me, and heard footsteps retreating. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Nellie holding her side, using her smile-mask to hide her pain.</p><p>"Well, they're gone," she breathed before collapsing next to me. She was in bad shape, but she was still wearing that stupid smile to hide her pain. I could see the blood soaking her hand. "Wow, you look like hell." She never minced words.</p><p>I hated it. She was bleeding to death, and here she was worried about me. "N-Nellie, why'd you save me?"</p><p>Nellie stared off at the starless sky. It was cloudy and the waxing crescent was hidden. She'd always liked crescent moons, she'd told me. "Well, I couldn't let my future apprentice die, now could I?" Her eyes were drooping. She leaned against the wall of the alley we were in and gave me one last smile. "Hey, Conner, can I ask you a big favor?"</p><p>"A-anything," I managed to choke somehow.</p><p>"Mind keeping an eye on the old panda while I recover? He may be a Bookman, but he can be forgetful. He might not eat or something 'cause he's so absorbed in a book." Her eyes shut, and her breath staggered. "I-it's a tough job to look after Gramps, but I think you're tough enough to do it."</p><p>"R-right," I said between sobs. I may have been a kid, but I knew what death looked like. I wasn't stupid. "I-I'll take care of him."</p><p>She didn't respond. She just sat there against the wall, a small smile on her face despite being dead. I shook her shoulder, hoping she was just unconscious, but she didn't answer me when I spoke her name.</p><p>I don't know when Bookman showed up, but it was sometime after Nellie's body started stiffening. He just stood there a minute, looking over Nellie and me, both covered in her blood. Then he turned his head away, as if searching the alley for someone who might appear from nowhere. I still haven't forgiven him for what he said next: "Conner, would you like to be my new apprentice?"</p><hr/><p>Lavi chewed his lip as he stared at his last paragraph. <em>Bookman's not gonna like that...</em> He was about to scratch it out when the door opened, revealing the Panda in question.</p><p>"Are you finished?" the old man asked, eyeing the small stack of paper next to his apprentice.</p><p>"More or less." Lavi hadn't even finished the sentence when Bookman snatched the stack and started reading. Lavi gulped. Bookman was always unreadable when he went through Lavi's assignment.</p><p>A minute passed, then another, then another. The minutes just kept ticking by as Bookman read through Lavi's messy scrawl. Finally, the apprentice couldn't take it anymore and asked, "Well? Do I pass or do I not get dinner?"</p><p>Bookman put Lavi's work back down on the table. His face, as always, was expressionless. But there was something different about it. His eyes seemed a little wet for some reason. "Yes, you pass for now." The old man turned for the door just as the first tears started to trickle down his cheeks. His voice still even, he said, "Get to dinner before people think I've killed you."</p><p>The tears hadn't escaped Lavi's notice. He smiled sadly and a tear rolled down his cheek as well. <em>So he misses her too.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>That part with Nellie made me sad when I wrote it... I hope I at least made a minor tearjerker scene, if only 'cause you felt bad for Lavi.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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